Feeling that NO is not growth.
Feeling like maybe I am rejecting the flow, the Universe's nudges, answers to my prayers - just because what is coming to me isn't wrapped up in the package I thought it would be in. It doesn't look like the answer to my intentions, my prayers. Could this be it though in disguise?
And yet. And yet, this feeling which niggles at me, doesn't make me feel good.
Concerns me deeply about stepping into an energy field I don't like the feel of.
Every barrier I put up gets removed. Is countered. Any excuse I might have for saying no is dealt with as they so want me to be a part of this venture.
As soon as I say Yes, stories, fabrication of truth and gossip emerge. Already.
I am discussed already. They say it is only because they are so very excited. No one means me any harm. Everyone wants the best for me. Yet I still feel yucky. Scared that I am going to regret going against my gut instinct. Sick to my stomach.
Already the energy surrounding this choice doesn't feel good. And it is all around me, wrapping around me like a trap that was lying in wait all along, wanting to suck me in.
I feel horrid sensations pulsing throughout my body. I cry and release this feeling which is in such drastic contrast to my Gratitude-filled Monday and Tuesday.
And I say NO.
YES is alway a great choice isn't it? YES is positive!
Heck, Yes Man is one of my favourite films!!
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...But I say NO.
I hit send, not liking how I did it. Not sure if I am right, or if I am making a decision based on fear. I am not enjoying this experience. I am not sure I put it right as I am too full of my own emotion. I don't feel able to get across how this HSP experiences things.
Yet I have sent the message.
Knowing it will offend. Knowing it will reject. Knowing it will hurt. And not being able to do a thing about controlling how someone else experiences it.
So very sad that it feels so bad.
Wishing I didn't have to say NO again and again and again.
Surely when a choice is the right one, it'll feel great making it?
Feeling all the emotions I imagine the other person will feel while reading my message.
Let alone what might be said among them all now that I am saying No. Again.
Crying some more. Harder now.
I know that in saying NO to one thing, that I am saying YES to something else.
I just don't know what that is yet!
Oh, how it would be easier if I had that something in the palm of my hand so that I could say, "See? This. This is what I am choosing."
But I don't.
So it feels like I am rejecting them for the sake of it. For no reason. What possible reason could I say NO to this opportunity being handed to me, when I have nothing else lined up in its place?
And I also know that the increased pain I am causing myself is due to me still caring far too much what other people think. I have some doubt myself, and they are speaking to that doubt. I don't make every single decision confidently. And it is far easier to let go of others expectations and reactions when I am 100% sure of the choice I am making.
I just try to listen to my inner ding.
To search for congruency.
And so I see my doubt in their eyes. In what I imagine I hear when I am not around.
Am I being foolish? Is this a silly choice to make?
But just maybe it is spot on. Maybe it is brilliant.
All I have is NOW. So the only place I can live is here.
And the only thing I can feel is this. Doubt.
And potential. Me choosing me = powerful. Me choosing my business = It could fail.
What if I do fail? Me choosing me = selfish? Scary? Narrow-sighted?
Wait. Whose voice are you listening to Ang?
And what do YOU think? What do you feel?
I feel I'd like to try this. I feel it isn't wrong to stick to my values. I feel that aligning my thoughts, word and actions could be - is - powerful. Congruency and integrity are important to me. Sure sometimes it's hard. Painful even. Sometimes it feels like there isn't another person on the planet who understands.
But here I am taking a stand. Sometimes I stand joyfully, vibrantly, full of excitement about my decision. This time here I stand, on shaking legs. Biting my nails. Clinging to hope.
But if I am bringing myself into alignment with my dreams...? If my intention in making this decision is to do just that? If I do create beautiful things with what I've got now and from where I now stand?
I will be so incredibly proud of myself. How extra great will that feeling be?
I do feel proud of myself.
Here's to honouring the shakey choices we make. The decisions made full of uncertainty, purely going on an, oh so quiet, hunch. Those that rattle our very being. Those that cause us to question ourselves.
Just where might they take us?